NLP transforms communication skills
You know those times when you get that sinking feeling that you’re making a “pig’s ear” of your interview /conversation? Usually the ones that seem most important too!
Why can’t I feel relaxed, in control, say what I mean? I have no trouble with my friends… How come so and so always gets what she wants?
Don’t worry – you know you can communicate well – you’ve done it many times. You wouldn’t be reading this article if you’d never communicated effectively… ever!
The times when you struggle to do so are the ones you want to be curious about. Worried or anxious states of mind are ideal for creating the familiar “pig’s ear” scenario. However, being curious, relaxed and aware is much more likely to bring about the “silk purse” that will make the all important difference.
The state we’re in is everything… believe me.
We are communicating all the time no matter what we’re doing – we can’t not communicate. As long as there’s someone to observe us we are doing it! It’s happening whether you like it or not…
In NLP we say that “the meaning of a communication is the response it gets”. So if you walk up to someone with shoulders hunched, head bowed, give them no eye contact, and generally feel tense and uncomfortable … guess what - that’s what you communicate. You can get all the right words – even get them in the right order – but the rest of you is saying something quite different. At best you have left your message to chance. What might be lost is never fully known – so much hangs on getting on with people.
Rapport – checking their shoe size!
If you want to confidently convey your message - be in control. Not controlling, that’s quite different and not at all good for communication. One of the pillars of NLP is Rapport. Which basically means getting on with people sufficiently well to be able to positively influence them. When you want to influence someone you have to be able to gain rapport and pace them. Pacing is being with someone – metaphorically being in their shoes. What’s important to them? What mental state are they in? Do they think in big chunk or small chunk (big picture or detail)? Are they people oriented or are they task driven (do they want to get to know you or do they just want to get on with it?) Gather information by listening, put your agenda on hold, pace, pace… then lead (introduce your agenda). I must emphasise that this is about genuinely wanting to get the best outcome for both parties – manipulation may appear to work, but it is disastrous in the longer term.
Act as if you mean it
I find it really helpful to greet someone with the thought in my mind “I’m really glad to meet you” – and mean it! Act as if you really are glad and the rest of you will catch up. If you look for the positive you will find it. Become aware of what judgements you are making. Put negative ones on hold. You don’t have to agree with someone’s views but you can stay open long enough to know what they are.
Stop needing to be right
A great way to create the pig’s ear scenario is to say “I think I’m right about that…” Having to be right costs rapport! Without rapport you have nothing (except a pink porcine listening device). Always avoid making negative “identity” level statements like “you didn’t do well”. It’s better to say “that didn’t work so well” or better still draw attention to what did work and leave it there.
Look at the bigger picture – what am I trying to achieve here? How can I best do that?
People like people that are like them.
Be aware of physiology - yours and theirs. Subtly match them – voice tone and level, body position, breathing. It needs to be subtle - don’t parrot them or you’ll definitely lose rapport! When sitting opposite people you can mirror them as alternative to matching. Listen carefully for their key words and phrases and reflect their language back to them. People will often use phrases like “I want to see for myself”, “I hear what you’re saying” or “it feels right” and many similar ones. They are giving a clue to their preferred sensory system. This simply means that they favour visual (see), auditory (hear) or kinaesthetic (feel) by learned preference. Most people use one of these senses more than the others to process information. See if you can work out your own. Practice listening more and talking less – it pays big dividends.
On the telephone, where you have only voices, match voice tone, loudness, speed of speech and language patterns and listen well.
But remember it’s not practical to try to use lots of unfamiliar techniques when you have an important bit of communicating to do! So don’t! I recommend that you practice a little and often, 10 minutes a day of practice and observation and you will really start to see results.
As a good start adopt a confident posture, match them if you can and listen twice as much as you talk (unless you’re in a job interview situation). Be curious and “act as if”.
When you change they change.
If you have the odd difficult relationship, develop your curiosity about it. Do something different (positive) and see the change it makes. Think about good examples you can learn from – who do you know who impresses you with their communication skills?
You can also mismatch (deliberately act in an opposite manner) people in a controlled way to break rapport. Changing your physiology, voice tone, speed of speech will give the message that it’s time to wind up… without causing offence. Sadly most mismatching is done with no conscious control being exercised. Rather than get upset next time someone mismatches you… be curious and listen. Watch people to see if you can spot matchers and mismatchers. Identify what you consider to be good communication skills in others.
You have it in you.
Now think back to a time when you did communicate well – when you knew you had rapport. Get into that state now – experience it, be there – hear what you hear, see what you see, feel what you feel. Just as you sense you’re getting to the peak… press your index finger and thumb together and say “zzzzt” Or do something else that records (anchors) that state onto your brain/nervous system. Visualise an image; say something to yourself – whatever works for you. Do it often and build your best state for communicating. Keep open; keep curious, keep listening… you have everything you need to be a great communicator!
Remember:
- The state we’re in is everything
- If you want to confidently convey your message - be in control
- Act as if you mean it
- Stop needing to be right
- Look at the bigger picture – what am I trying to achieve here
- People like people that are like them
- When you change they change
- You have it in you