Learn to change the view and never feel threatened by change again!
In an age when change, of one kind or another, is always on the horizon in some form, a flexible and proactive approach to it will minimise pain and disappointment.
I met an old friend the other day and we did the usual “how are you doing” stuff. As he spoke I realised his familiar pattern – change is coming and it’s not good and who knows where I’ll be when “they” have finished meddling. I thought about this and came to this conclusion; if I’d met him a year earlier or two years later I would have been greeted with the same mindset - change is coming and it blows an ill wind towards me.
This idea that change is bound to cause strife and misery is just that – an idea, a belief. When we believe something enough it becomes truth – for us. Believing that change will be hard for you to deal with – makes it so.; believing, however, that change will add positively to you – makes that so! But you’ve got to believe it first …
Present the same circumstances to two people with different beliefs about what’s possible and you will get two quite different sets of results.
Why not be one of those people who see it when they believe it rather than those will only believe it when they see it! Dig a little deeper and we often find that these fear driven beliefs are about “can’t cope” and “this time I’ll be found wanting” etc. Did you know that many top actors suffer with this fear? Nicole Kidman, Kevin Spacey and Leslie Neilson have all said in interviews “it’s just a matter of time before they find out I haven’t got any talent!”
Interestingly, there were loads of changes happening in my old friend’s life that he had instigated – like getting married, having two kids, moving house etc. Are these just trifles in terms of change? I think not … the difference, of course, is that one is seen as imposed, the other chosen.
The lesson I draw from this is that change is not the problem – but how we view it is. When change is resisted it becomes stressful because we are creating a negative mindset that undermines our ability to rise to the challenge. Instead we are thinking about why it shouldn’t be happening and how we won’t be able to cope with it and then expanding on that thought! Change continues relentlessly as we sit anxiously fondling our worry beads.
Actually making a decision to stop resisting change and to go with it can be hugely liberating. It frees up resources that you can use to good effect. It puts you in the process of action for a better future.
So, guess what, the best change we can make is to ourselves - by accepting it and preparing for it. Whenever change is happening so are opportunities – being able to see them is dependent on the attitude we choose. Changing our attitude is a choice that we can make at anytime. So are you going to be “in for the ride, bumps and all?” Or are you resisting with thoughts like “I don’t hold with them new fangled notions”?
One of my barometres for measuring my own resistance to challenges of any kind is feelings. If I get a certain feeling in my chest and stomach that feels slightly hot and fluttery I think “this is something I really need to do.” My body is telling me this is an area for comfort zone stretching. I take the view that all our coping abilities come about by being put to the test. Imagine someone who has had everything done for them all their life – like some of the rulers of old – would you want to rely on them for anything?
Consider this metaphor from the east; the bamboo is tough and flexible, it is very hard to break and it is supported by the other bamboos around it. When the wind blows it bends and sways with the flow. On the other hand a dry twig is immediately snapped off by a strong wind because it is not flexible and it has no support.
How you think about change is very much determined by your relationship with yourself. Your self concept (which I described in a previous article) will have its familiar default strategies; the question is are they giving you positive resources or are they taking them away from you?
Asking the question “what do I want here?”(use cool, calm and measured tones for this) will direct your attention much better than “this is not happening!!”(use panicky, high pitched voice for this bit).
Use the power of perspective to give you new ways of seeing change. For instance instead of allowing old thinking patterns to gang up on you, ripping the lollipop of joy from your grasp yet again, scatter them with a well placed positive clout round the ear (no violence please – just a thought!). Fight back - it’s your life! See the future you having accomplished the tasks, holding an even bigger lollipop, feeling the warm glow of success – a state that you really like and want more of.
If your usual ways of thinking are centred around “what’s wrong”, “what’s missing” or “why it’ll never work” STOP! Ask yourself does this thinking work for me? As we say in NLP “if what you’re doing isn’t working – do something else!” Honest and open reflection will tell you what’s working and what isn’t.
When you feel hopeless, bogged down or anxious it’s time to open things out. Look up, look sideways – create a new perspective for yourself. Change your language, get other opinions and challenge negativity even if it’s from “authoritive” sources.
Hanging around people who moan and complain without a solution in sight will sap your energy and make you feel powerless.
Gather information and use your ability to think more deeply about situations so that you are always holding the clean end of the stick. Allowing yourself to believe other people’s half baked ideas is to give away your power and peace – don’t do it. Creative and clever solutions are found by those willing to believe that they exist.
In NLP we talk about uncovering meaning by challenging DISTORTIONS (e.g. “this is terrible – my life is ruined”), DELETIONS (e.g. “they’ll present us with all sorts of things we can’t deal with”) and GENERALISATIONS (e.g. “these people are all the same”). When you listen carefully you will find a lot of this sort of language skewing people’s thinking.
We can learn to think new thoughts that can act as motivators and lubricants to keep us moving towards our chosen target.
Here’s an example of something I observed whilst sitting in a coffee shop. A charity canvasser was trying to stop people in the street to sign them up to making regular monthly contributions. Inevitably most people were resistant to his charms. I could see the guy getting more and more frustrated – his body language was becoming less and less confident. As I watched I saw him swinging his leg at an empty crisp packet and dropping his head.
I thought to myself – you need a coach. If he had changed his perspective and thought “my target is 2 people in every 25” he would have changed the landscape for himself. Instead of feeling rejected by most people (and the rejection rate will be higher still if confidence drops) he could simply focus on his target and happily accept that an 8% sign up rate is good. Of course he can even go for more by varying his approach and noticing which kinds of people are responding best. He can even enjoy having a chat with a few that don’t sign up in the end.
It is said we have about 60,000 thoughts a day – trouble is 95% of them are repeats of yesterdays! If you want to use past experience usefully think of examples when you succeeded and overcame obstacles and adapted well to change. Think about the many changes you have instigated in your life by choice and coped well with – because you wanted to (attitude).
So whenever you face change and challenge remember that you can view it very differently by mobilising your resources and reminding yourself of the points below:
- Always get a wider perspective – see the bigger picture for motivation, when the little things bog you down
- Ask for help from positive and supportive sources – don’t rely on easy or familiar negative options
- Remember times when you have happily risen to challenges and know you can again
- Think more clearly, get real information and avoid the shallow thinking that can lead to hasty conclusions
- Find a motivating ‘angle’ that can sustain you
So until next time may you flourish in the wondrous knowledge that you are unique and far more capable than you have been lead to believe. Now lead yourself to believe this … and go for it!